Getting harder and harder to keep my mouth shut when 98% of what I think or write isn't necessarily broadcast to anyone (excluding Jess) I can physically touch. So my interactions have reduced by a significant margin. I think the worst part about this is no one honestly knows. The few I've shared this with don't seem to grasp how serious I am, and maybe that has to do with my own word diction... 1 person noticed something was off immediately, and I've loved that person for seeing through the shields I was putting up. It's deeper than that but honestly it just meant so much to know someone took notice.
Consequentially the same time I realized this person's amazing heaven sent attention to detail (or maybe just attention to me, like you know a good friend usually does for other good friends), was the same moment I realized how hurtful I've been. Let me just stop and say Jessica I'm sorry. I say that because looking back I know that I will regret having treated you badly, after you did so much for me. Only name I'll dive into. Anyway, me being hurtful was referring to a distant past, its just I'd be lying if I said I didn't continue some of those hurtful traits.
I don't like hurting people. In the long run, it just hurts me when I realize how terribly ignorant I was through my actions. I swear my intentions are always good. I love to love, it's a GREAT feeling. However, that doesn't mean I know HOW to love or even how to delegate that love to the deserving parties. I'm working on it though, and that right there is more than I can say for a lot of people.
I can't keep allowing my intentions to get crossed and after what transpired tonight there will be no need to. My intentions will be clear, yet, I feel as if without Jess to keep me 'alive' dead is what I'll become. Who the f*ck even remembers me? Out of those that do how many tried to f*ck my girl when I was with her? How many tried to play me behind my back? How many have blatantly mistreated me? I'm 'rhetorical-n'
the hell out of myself because I know what it is, and I STILL don't expect an answer.
People wanted honesty, and they wanted me to tell it how it was. Well I can't get anymore honest than what I'm feeing right now. Dale, Chris, Brian, why didn't you love me like I loved you? Seriously, I want to know why. I want to know why you let others in and disregarded me. Was it because of who I was? Who I am? Who I was becoming? Who I was with? Don't tell me my personal status had something to do with it? The drug use? To that I say, you n1ggas have babies! On top of that those acting as if alcohol isn't just as dangerous under the circumstances just stop, word to too many.
Break from free verse because I'm really hurt, and I can't stand to plant a seed I'll neglect. That said to be something I respect you gotta see what I see and most don't so I fall down the latter with regretful neglect. I hate it but sometimes I love it, those times admittedly few and far between keep me peeking through the smokescreen. Alive but barely, hey, life's kinda scary. I just try to tail those who have it figured out until I know I'm on the right path deep down in my soul. No fairytale ending of course one would be splendid but I'm living for today wrapped in my sorrows. Old friend's said give a fuck about tomorrow I adopted such logic and now I'm mad I ever borrowed it.
